Breaking Habits That Destroy Love

As you probably know, much of our difficulty in keeping a relationship fresh comes from the fact that the left side of our brains, the part that is concerned with our survival, loves to create habits.  This part of the brain is responsible for doing things for you that produce efficiency and comfort.   Obviously it is not efficient to have to figure out over and over again which muscles to use, and in what sequence, to do simple things like walking, opening a door, making sounds, and even more complicated actions like flying a plane.

By creating habits, the left side of our brain lets us make a little ‘program’ that takes us through the most efficient set of actions without wasting time thinking through each one. We are really grateful for this ability, which ultimately makes our lives easier.

However, the problem is that this same part of our brain wants to take over and make the decisions about what’s best for you all the time, without consulting with the heart.  The left side simply takes over the job of the right side of our brain without being in touch with the wisdom that is available to the right brain, and without considering factors like love, joy, and excitement.

If we don’t pay attention, the habit-creating actions of the left side, which can be so useful to us, can start to strangle us with efficiency and routine in the most important parts of our lives where we DON’T want to be on autopilot.

The right brain knows best how to deal with the matters of heart, our love with ourselves and with our beloved, as well as with our children and our friends, and all the people we trust. Knowledge and awareness together make up the foundation that allows you to see what is best for you in each moment.

Do you allow the left brain to deal with the matters of the heart using the same mechanistic approach for love as you use to open a door and climb the stairs? Why would you decide to do that?  Well, truly, most of us don’t decide to that – we let it happen by default.

It’s not easy to catch the thoughts before they come into your brain.  In order for you to tell the brain what to do, you have to be in touch with the you beyond ego, a place higher and deeper than your brain, the part of you that contains the brain. It’s almost like our left-side brains are set to have the stronger voice until you train yourself to hear (and listen to) the soft voice of your intuition.

At times you might have experienced the habit-creating brain reminding you of how good something felt before, and it wants you to repeat it.  If you have experienced that, then you also know that it is impossible to create a copy of the pleasure that we might have experienced in the past. Trying to do that can actually ruin the experience instead, and you end up feeling frustrated or disappointed, and not even sure why. Habits slowly kill the freshness of love and the joy and exhilaration felt in the newness, even when it’s an activity that at first brought us pleasure and excitement.

Do you remember the first time you kissed?

How you may have felt the magical, magnetic pull toward each other, slowed your impulse to kiss by taking the time to smell the subtle aromas of your lover’s pheromones, taking the time to slowly touch the back of their neck and their hair, enjoying the enchanting facial expressions and  the deep breaths that preceded your first kiss?

Has that kiss now become a short peck?  How much is the core part of you longing for the deep connection of the first kiss?

Are you aware that by being present you could actually enjoy every kiss as if kissing your lover for the first time?  And not just the kiss, your touch, the way you speak with each other, the small attentions you had for each other – all of them could be as exciting and fresh for you as at the beginning of your relationship.

How can we efficiently use that mechanical part of our brain when we work, and shift to the other heart-connected part of the brain when we enter our home, the place where we nurture love and connection?  Most of us are taking the brain that is involved in efficient work home, and we don’t know how to shift to the heart brain.

The good news is that you can always create something new anytime you do something with love.  The heart thrives on newness and finds always what’s new in the moment.  That ability escapes our mechanical brain that is busy most of the time reminding us of what we need to do and to say, pressuring us to follow the prompting for survival that comes from a very limited way of thinking.

There is a higher consciousness that can be achieved with a simple, natural breath, which I call the Ocean Breath.  This breath can take you immediately to the part of your brain that knows how to love and to give and receive pleasure that is new and real.

I teach this to my clients, and in my book, The Secrets of the Ocean Breath.

In the meantime, you can start paying attention yourself to where you are letting habits interfere with your love connection. Take the time to stop yourself and think – am I touching him the same way as last time?  Would she like it if I kissed her harder or softer than usual?  Even just doing the same action, but with REAL attention, not ‘going through the motions’ can actually bring spark back to routine.

Try it tonight, and let me know your results!